Mother, What is Your Name?

Grandpa calls you “Daughter” Uncle calls you “Sister”, I call you “Mom”.

Papa would call you “wife” – Mother, what is your name?

I went to school, then college but I didn’t need your name. Whenever I presented myself, no one asked for your name!

When I came of age by law and got the right to vote, there was no mention of your name on the card. I became a citizen, but with Dad’s name. I got a job, this too with dad’s name. I am the daughter of a nameless mother -Tell me, mother, what is your name?

I want to make it known to one and all, as your name never needed to be spoken anywhere. Please speak mother, what is your name?

Mother replied, my dear daughter, the society has given me a name; I have an identity of my own now-I am a “half widow”!!

A “Half- WIDOW”! What is a half widow Mother?

A half widow is a woman whose husband has disappeared in custody and his whereabouts remain untraceable.

Since the missing person, your father is not considered dead, the society decided to give me the name of a HALF WIDOW

How did this happen, Mother?

Many men have been killed, tortured, dehumanized beyond redemption at the hands of gun violence since 1989 in Kashmir. But at the end of it all, women have been the worst sufferers – they have suffered as mothers, spouses, widows, half-widows, sisters and grandmothers.

My problems my dear child, as a half widow are unique, I suffer from so many insecurities, ranging from social, economic and emotional. 

While a widowed woman knows that her husband is no more alive and can take a decision about her future and is entitled to some compensation under State law – I, as “half-widow” continue to live an uncertain life. I am entitled to compensation only on production of death certificates. But where do I get a certificate stating this for a missing person? 

I am most vulnerable, as no unambiguous legal and administrative remedies are available for me.

My problems are many and range from my rights in property (like land and house) owned by my husband’s family as well the rights of my children in the property owned by the family; to my right to compensation and my rights to re-marry.

Mother, I wanted to ask you, even after so many years of unending wait and suffering, why didn’t you re-marry?

Dear child, unfortunately, there is no consensus in Islamic law (Sharia) on the issue of remarriage. All the major schools of thoughts, the Hanfia, Maliki, Shaafi, Hambali and Jafria provide different guidance about re-marriage. While the Hanafi School says that a woman should wait for 90 years after her husband’s disappearance some scholars of Maliki School put the wait period as 4 years and some as 7 years.

Opinions differ on the validity of a second marriage should the first husband return. Some are of the opinion that the second marriage is automatically nullified on arrival of the first husband and some hold that the second marriage will remain valid if the first marriage is nullified by a Qazi even when the first husband returns.

The difference in interpretation of Sharia law which binds every Muslim man and woman is not being addressed in a rational manner. They (Ulema) need to arrive at a consensus in the light of Quran and Hadith (sayings of Prophet) regarding the “wait period” in case any half widow wishes to remarry.

Mother, how has the Society treated you? Did they empathize with your pain and suffering?

Dear child, I feel 23 years of unrest have made the people in our land, insensitive. Maybe they lack sensitization about our problems, because had they known the problems we go through as half widows which range from socio-economic and emotional, I am sure they would have been more empathetic to us.

Maybe that’s why in all these years of uncertainty, no one has made an effort to find a solution to our problem. Most of us have been plunged in an endless wait and suffering. Despite the fact that in the Religious scriptures there is no mention of a widow or a half widow- as during those times, no one would be subject to disappearances and the society was very sensitive to the needs of a widow and would immediate find ways to rehabilitate her with dignity.

But Mother all your life you never had an identity of your own. Is it necessary to call you a “half widow”? Can’t the society just call you the “wife of a missing person”? Is it necessary to “label” you? 

My dear child, 23 years of unrest have added many new words to our vocabulary. Our rich and peace loving society never knew these terms earlier. Words like “crack down”, “AK 47”, “cordon”, “half orphan”, “children of conflict” have found their way in- half widow is one of these. A woman never has an identity of her own. When she is born she is known as a daughter, a sister, a wife and a mother and a grandmother. She never has an identity of her own. The society has been kind to give me a name- I have been labeled a “half widow” – this is my identity now!

“Aud aasnukh yeh baas; gov andre mei adh kareth,

Khend puth wajood myuon, peavu wara aaz puthiet” – Naseem Shifai

(Translation: The feeling of half; broke me into half. The broken identity of my being was completely shattered today.)

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Ezabir Ali is one of AMAN women commission member from India. 

The author can be mailed at ezabirali@gmail.com